Have You Rejected Your Masculinity?
What Kind of Image Did Your Father Give
People often tell me that I remind them of their father. I would consider this a compliment if I did not know better. Unfortunately most of the time people who say this had a bad relationship with their father, and I find it difficult to reach them because of this.
The truth is that many have had a bad father experience, and as a result of this, they have a made choice that has affected every area of their lives.
They Have Rejected Their Masculinity Because They Rejected The Image of Their Father
A young boy should admire his father and desire to be just like him one day. This is normal and the way it should be, because the father gives the son his first image of what it is to be a man, as opposed to being a woman. The father must show the contrast between masculinity and femininity and give the son an image to aim for.
Where a boy follows this natural course, even though his father might have been a bad image of manhood or masculinity, he makes a choice that will stand him in good stood for the rest of his life.
He has chosen to accept masculinity as he sees it, as something normal and natural to him. And even though he might later have to change his views on manhood and correct any bad image his father gave him, he will not suffer from this problem that many men face as they grow up.
The problem is more common than we realize, and it is getting worse all the time. Sons are no longing looking to their father for an image of masculinity, and the normal desire of a son to be like his father, is fast disappearing.
Fathers That Cause Problems
The main cause of sons rejecting their masculinity comes as a result of fathers who fail to be the right image, largely because of their own problems or past programming. Here are some examples.
1. The Provision Junkie
This is a father that believes the most important thing he can provide for his children is financial security. Usually he grew up in a home that lacked finance, and he does not want his children to face the same hardships. So he pours all his time and effort into his work and providing an income to support his family.
Unfortunately he does not realize that his children need his loving presence far more than they need his money. They would be better off battling financially, but having a loving father who is there for them at all times.
2. The Career Junkie
This father is one who probably had a father who did not recognize him and always expected more from him that he was capable of giving. So he developed the habit of studying, working or improving himself to try and please his father.
Unfortunately this inner drive continues long after the child leaves home, and the father may have already died. But he still feels the pressure to press on and perform. And as a result he ignores his own children, giving them the impression that he does not care about them.
3. The Slave Driver
This is a father who was probably never affirmed correctly into his own masculinity, and becomes a dominating, overbearing man who places demands on his children that they are not able to fulfill. They get the impression that they can never be good enough for him, and as a result can never earn his love or care. They may try to perform for him, but they will never get close to him.
4. The Insecure Loner
This is a father who never has the courage to be head of his own home. He is weak and insecure, and continually needs acceptance and affirmation himself, so he is unable to give it to his children. He often looks to his wife to carry the loads that he is not ready to handle.
If a boy grows up with a father who is absent or that he feels does not care for him, then he comes to a decision like this:
“One day when I grow up I will NOT be like my father”
He might be truly justified in making this choice, because his father showed a very bad image.
But unfortunately inner vows become binding in our lives and create a huge YES…BUT that later affects our relationship with Lord, who is the ultimate father. It also affects our relationship with all men in leadership positions and makes us ineffective as a leader to those below us.
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Mother Also Has a Part to Play
The second cause of many boys rejecting their father image and thus their masculinity, is a common failure on the part of wives and mothers. The mother lays the foundation in the life of her son, and builds into him a code of conduct and attitudes that will remain with him for life.
Where the mother has a bad relationship with her husband, or even worse, sees her husband in the same negative light that she sees her own father, then she cannot help but communicate this also to her children. And for the young boy the result is disastrous.
The son is given the image that his father is a failure and a bad image to follow. Any desire that he might have had to one day be “just like Dad” is destroyed by a mother who fails to lift up the father in the sight of the son.
Once again, the son makes a choice and rejects the image of his father, and along with it the image of manhood or masculinity that only a father can give. He now receives his image of masculinity from a woman instead of a man. And if his mother is strong and dominating, she has allowed her own masculine side to show more than her feminine side.
A Mother Cannot Build a Man
A masculine woman is hardly the image that a son needs for manhood. It is impossible for a woman to give her son a true image of masculinity, no matter how strong she is or how good she is as a leader.
The image of strength that a woman displays when she becomes masculine is not an image of true masculinity. It becomes an overemphasis of strength and domination, rather than the strength of leadership that comes from an inner confidence.
If you want to see this warped kind of “masculinity” just take a look at the Womens Liberation Movement. There you will see women who have sacrificed their femininity in order to compete with men. But instead of becoming EQUAL with men, such women go far beyond this.
Their ultime goal is to DOMINATE and become SUPERIOR to men.
The result of a mother programming her idea of masculinity into her son is not a man with the strength of true masculinity. Instead it is a man with the following:
- Someone who adopts the so called “MACHO” image, but is really a big softie inside
- Someone who appears strong and controlling, expecting those under him to submit
- Someone who does not have the true image of loving leadership that comes with a balanced and healthy sense of masculinity
A Mother Cannot Build a Father and Husband
No woman can teach her son how to become a good husband and father. She can only teach him how to become a good mother.
So what happens when a man has received his image of masculinity from his mother? He becomes a faulty husband and father. This is often seen in the following habit patterns in the marriage and the home:
1. A husband who has received his masculine image from his mother thinks like a strong woman. His wife will also probably be a strong woman, since many men tend to marry someone like their mother. There will then be a kind of competition between the husband and wife, as through two women are competing. The husband will see his wife as a threat to him and will only be happy when he is in control and she is less than him. This usually leads to intense conflict in the marriage.
2. As a father, the man who was affirmed by his mother into his masculinity will tend to think more like a woman, and will often get involved with the children in a motherly way. And if his wife can get away with it, she will often let him carry out the duties in the home that are more the wife’s role. Such men are often seen as good, loving fathers, and it is wonderful that they can show love to their children. But in the end, they present a faulty masculine image to their sons. They become a kind of male ‘mother’ instead of a true father.
The Plight of the Single Mom
This scenario is far more common than you may realize. It is not uncommon for a woman to be deserted by her husband, either through divorce or death, and left to raise the children on her own.
Often such a woman feels that for the sake of the children she should avoid remarrying, but should devote her life to her children. She does her best, trying to be both mother and father to them, and often pays a big price to do this.
Her motivation is pure, and she is seen as a wonderful mother. But the end result in the life of her son can be a disaster. Unless she has a man that she can point him to, especially as he reaches puberty and adolescence, he will grow up with a faulty image of masculinity.
The Problem of Step Fathers
Where a woman is not strong and unable to bring up her children herself, she will often remarry, or allow a male relative to take the place of the father in the lives of her children. This can be successful if done correctly, but inevitably a step father or surrogate father will not have the same love and care for the children.
It is a known fact that some of the most painful experiences in the lives of children have come from a step father. For a boy, this also can be a major cause in him rejecting the image of masculinity that his step father portrayed. He now has no masculine image to relate to, and not having a strong mother, will likely end up with a more well developed feminine nature than a true masculine nature.
The most dangerous side effect of a man rejecting his masculinity or not receiving the correct image of masculinity, is that he becomes confused concerning his gender.
This does not mean a man is not sure whether he is a male or female. His body characteristics speak for themself. But since we all have both masculine and feminine qualities in us, there comes an imbalance between these two.
This leads to many other complications, the most extreme being problems with sexuality, especially when it comes to marriage. But we will deal with that later in a study by itself.
There are thus many causes for a man to reject his masculinity early in life. Whatever the cause, the results are always the same.
For now, I would like end by asking you to look closely at yourself and see if you can identify with any of the scenarios or symptoms that I have described above. The purpose of this study is not to bring despair or hopelessness. No matter what your experience in life, change is always possible.
In fact, with the Lord, change is essential. And I will be helping you to make the necessary changes if you are ready to do so. But the choice always lies in YOUR hands. No matter what has happened to you in life. No matter how your parents may have failed, you can change.
In the end, YOU MUST CHOOSE whether to accept or reject the masculinity that is your inheritance from the Lord. And if you have made the mistake of rejecting your masculinity because of problems in childhood, then it is time to correct this and become a true man, in the image of the Lord Jesus Christ.
As always, if you are blessed by this study, please feel free to respond below. It helps me to know if I am addressing valid issues, and where I should direct my future efforts. May the Lord bless you and help you to rise up and become a true man as He intended.